&@*#$^@$fic
Monday, October 3rd, 2005It’s 5:34am and i can’t sleep.
Oh, i so hate days when i have nothing to do.. (basicly everyday in this context)
Boredom makes my mind wander, to places i’d rather not be. I’m tired of this, this cycle of emptiness. Like a ring, goes round and comes back, same thing all over again, hollow and empty in the middle.
The feelings i have now aren’t new to me, in fact, i’ve faced it in every relationship i’ve tried or been in. It’s always one sided in the beginning, and when i decide to give up, the other decides to give in, i can’t name one that hasn’t been this way. Does it have to be that way? Apparently, in my relationships, yes.
I’ve waited weeks for one, months for another, and years for the most recent, and they all show the same signs. Does one get sick of this? What kind of dumb question is that? Ofcourse they would. Who asked me to wait? Obviously, myself. Who would have thought my efforts, care, and support would go… absolutely no where at that particular moment?
I hate feeling played, even if they don’t do so intentionally. Is it because they think i’d treat them differently if they said they didn’t feel the same for me as i do for them? I won’t treat you any different if you said it up front, as a matter a fact, i’d respect that. I guess i know them better than they know me.
Sigh.
One thing that usually holds me back from telling my feelings is losing a friend in the process. I have feelings for few others, but have never told them. At the end of the day, i’d rather not lose a good friend just because i think i can take it a little further, as i’ve experienced before and experiencing now.
How cautious can one be with this? Is it better to just court someone i don’t know? Maybe. But, that wouldn’t be very much like me, would it…
Yet another sigh.
"How’re you man?" they ask.
"I’m good, could be better."
"Where’s your girl man?" they ask.
"What girl? I don’t have one."
"What? I thought you had one?" They ask again.
"It’s complicated."
Complicated, I’m sure. I know where the complications are coming from. Me, getting caught in relationships i cannot win, way too often.
There’s bound to be something wrong with what i do, or is it the people i choose to be with? ….
One last sigh…
She’s treating me the way she was treated by a guy she liked… so i’m gonna lay off this thing till she gets that in her head. Ironic isn’t it, i treat her like an angel and keep her happy, then she treats me the way she doesn’t want to be treated… funny… she wasn’t like that before….
Note to self - "Oui, snap out of it you scum-sucking-yellow-bellied-ass-humping-poop-eating-maggot-feeding-cow-milking-sock-smelling-bean-jumping(eh…Bean Jumping?)-retarded-looking faggit! You got class in 7 hours, go to freaking sleep!"
