Mania - an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action
It’s been a while hasn’t it.
It’s been a while since i’ve actually had any real problems. But the problems i face now, are not ones that can be seen or heard. It’s a battle between mind and heart, a battle that created the confusion, the same confusion that created the void i currently have in my heart.
This void, ever so growing and is filling up.
Filling up with regret,
Regret of Ill performance,
Regret of self imcompetence,
Regret of mislead actions,
Regret of actions taken,
and Regret of choices made,
Just, Regret.
Why are thoughts of these coming through my mind now, is certainly beyond me. I never used to regret, never looking back, always moving forward.
"As god gave us a mind to think of a better future,
he also gave us memory, to never forget the past."
Now, that memory he gave me is pulling me back, tugging on me like a child. Why? Why now? Do i have that much of unfinished business? To think that i solved every problem.
Why, of all times, does it appear now? A year after all this happened?
Did i not make the right choice for the both of us, or did i finally start thinking about myself now?
And why do these feelings feel so familiar? It feels as if its happening all over again… just different situations with different consequences.
As days go by, i come closer to the day that i most possibly made the biggest mistake of my 21 year life, the day i let someone so special slip by me. Misunderstandings, mislead me and it was over. So many things i should have said, so many things i should have done. I can’t do them now, no, i had my chance. Blew it.
"And god also gave us life,
A time that passes that would heal, that could help one recover and learn from mistakes,
And he gave us death,
A time to fear yet value the life he gave."
It looks like i have to live with these issues for a long time, but at the very least, i try to heal whos feelings i hurt, to everyone i hurt. Sorry to those i’ve hurt, partically my ex, Joy. Conscience is a pain, but it makes me who I am.
Creates a lil’ Balance.
Thats a load of my chest. Like i said, i’d probably spend more time in life apologizing and making up for my mistakes then particularly enjoying it, but heck you have to do it some time, and the best time to do it, is when you still have the ability to.
Good Luck and Take care.
Always.
