Live True, Love True

Sleep has returned to me, like a blessing from god. I finally slept more than 2 hours today, a whooping 14 hours sleep. It would seem the main cause of everything was keeping quiet… all i needed was someone to give me a good lecture about being me, to find out finally what the hell i was doing.

Some points were right, some points were wrong. Bottom line, i found myself having the answers to the questions that were running through my head. The cause of all these problems was merely me being obsessed at an uncertain outcome. It confused me, my natural self.

Perhaps there are times in life where you need to bring up your feelings and put them on the table. Pour them out like wine from a bottle, into a glass. A thin layer protects it and is easily shattered, that is your trust. The taste of wine could be sour, and hard to swallow.., that is how you’d feel, but it was needed to calm those who were consumed by it in the first place, and that is what was done.

Once lost, now found

Conversations, reassurances, mistakes, regret. All part of life. As i move ahead with what I do, I will always be on my toes to watch for and avoid things like these from happening again. At the very least, if the situation is inevitable, i already know how to handle the situation.

I was once lost in my own world of confusion.

No longer, for I have found myself again. I shall strive to be a better being, yet humble enough to know and accept my flaws. I am no god, that is why there is only one. I am not Him, and never will be.

I have made numerous mistakes since i moved here. At one point, i wish i hadn’t. I had to accept the fact that i am here, and whatever i chose to do, has brought me to where i am today.

With all this said and done, I am glad i have a future to look forward to, particularly in being a lecturer, getting paid, a scholarship for a degree and master of my choice and a path to a brighter future. I will be a busy man, for sure, but being that busy means I will appreciate my friends more whenever i see them. That’s how it is. You’ll never know how important they are, until you somehow lose them. People take things for granted. Even I.

I have chosen the people to care about and i can count them with the number of fingers i have. The number may grow, but only if i see fit. Time has come to treat the people important to me extra special, but with boundaries, and friends as friends, and the love of my life, like my life depended on it. Mistakes of the past shall teach me never to make them again, and i shall strive to become what i always wanted to be, a good parent, father, husband, son, brother, lover and partner, friend, being, man, like my parents and my brothers have shown me and aspired me to be.

It will take time, but i have decided that the next time i am given a chance to do so, i will take every oppurtunity to make the best of it, in hopes that the next will be my last and will last till the end of days.

I hope no one takes their loved ones for granted, for you may never find one like them again. Ever.

PS :Anyway, some of you damn perasan. So don’t be perasan. If this message is     for you, i’d tell you. End of story. Lol

Brian.

How often do i fall? As often as I used to blog… every couple of months. They last a couple of days, sometimes weeks.

Ultimately, the time will come to pick myself up again and emerge stronger then before. Setting aside all emotions that caused me that pain, suffering or anger.

The same emotions that made me so different, I could barely recognize myself.

The Fall

The Fall begins as soon as everything else starts crumbling. One thing leads to another, a chain reaction pummeling through like a herd of raged animals. It’s hard not to try and lend a hand to the ones affected, especially when you’re me. So i did, I gave a hand, an arm, a leg and a heart.

As usual, I ended up right in the middle of it. I think i practically lost my grip holding on to them… or they lost me.

As much as I knew this was coming, I made a choice to help even if I knew the consequences were severe on me. The field of play is all too familiar, somehow i already knew the outcome, whether I intervened or not.

Unfortunately, it was too late to pull out, since certain events caught my attention.

It starts as a fight for better judgement, a form of aggressive justice between two individuals in attempts to prove their points.

The Calm

A period where everyone pondered. A time when even troubles stood still. A time when everyone found a little happiness, a little joy in their doings. I did too, no less.

And we return to our lives, thinking everything is fine. thinking it was over.

Yet, many forget that when one ponders, it’s results depends on their feelings. What happened thereafter was inevitable.

The Storm

When you sail without direction, you’re bound to get lost or find something you’d never expect to find. In this case, the storm created confusion. So much that even I was losing my way.

I turned from counsel to counseled, back and forth. The storm was affecting everyones judgment, I was no exception.

So, i try to get back to the matter at hand, in hopes of not jeopardizing what i had worked for in the first place. When other’s are depressed, it affects me as well.

The Aftermath

A decisive measure was made. A decision that would bind them together once again. A decision that would pull them out of the storm. But what about the others?

Some were left behind, to fend for themselves. If they weren’t spending their time fighting over petty differences, they were struggling with their own lives. They would ultimately leave a trail in their wake, taunting those who were left to follow.

The Recovery

As things started calming down, a slow but painful recovery is at hand. As each one of us are attempting to recover, more issues tend to appear and the past starts to fade.

Although they are handled with perfection, some can’t help but feel displaced from these events, some have already found home, some never made it .

In The End

I really hope they appreciate what chance they have been given and carry on with their decision, because if i die before 30 from stress and they still aren’t close to even having children or getting married, i’m gonna f*cking haunt them and make sure they do.

if i get kids, i really hopoe they won’t turn out like this. Serious Headache. lol

I’ve decided to move along and follow the flow where ever it takes me. I think i’ve been going against it for far too long.. it is time for me to rest.

Brian <– Odd Ball of Vulgarity

Things are still not going well in terms of sleep.

The dreams have stopped, but i still awake from my slumber from time to time.

I had a total of 21 hours of sleep over 11 days. Today, i had 5 in total. An improvement no less, but still…

I just hope this doesnt continue when i start work, or i’ll lose my job within a week.

I cannot continue like this, i know. But it’s not my choice to be like this. I’ve never been like this, ever.

There is care no longer.

There is love no longer.

No more passion.

The biggest pain is ignorance, neglect. The deepest cut one could ever received. Unseen by the naked eye but feels like someone is trying to cut you, stab you with a blunt knife, stabbing as often as they can.

How can things stay the same, when you change? Am i expected to be the same person just to fit into your little frame? Am i to learn your abilities to ignore, neglect and act like nothing is wrong, just because of a change of situation?

Well, i guess im expected to. Like i’m always expected to do everything.

Did i see it coming? Of course i did, yet i didn’t expect it to run through me and stay as if someone spreared me.

The scars will stay with this one.

I’m sure of it. No words can express how i feel right about now. Self love will have its costs, i just hope they are bearable to the rest of the world.

Sigh.

Wish me luck, cause the doc says there is no reason to see him, unless i decide to take some pills. Which is a NO of course.

Ta!

Brian.

Do you believe in karma?

or at least along the lines of its teachings?

I believe it exists, wether you like it or not, for what you do to others will always come back to you. What people don’t see is that, it is a cycle, but not always involving the same parties. What goes around comes around yes, but that doesn’t mean you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing what they’ll get in return for what they do against you.

The best way to really live your life is to always stand tall and avoid making mistakes that can always be avoided. They will come back and haunt you, regardless on how much you repent to them. This however, doesn’t stop others from harming you, but knowing that they will get what they deserve in the end at some point of time would make it a little less harder. I believe what i’ve faced so far is what i’ve done to others before, whatever heartache, hardship, sorrow and pain. I believe the only way to end its cycle is to not do the same thing others did to you to someone else. We must learn to end its cycle, or it will end us. Simple.

I just wonder how long this cycle would last, and wonder if i’ll ever stop falling into the same dreaded hole, over and over again.

Cause i’m getting really really sick of it.

Brian.

I think i’ve lost my touch in writing again… I find myself lost for words when i try to come up with something to blog about….

Maybe it’s because i’ve been blogging too much.. or maybe its the way im feeling now.. indifferent.

I’m not feeling things i should be feeling.. excitement, anxiousness, worry, sadness.. Did i lose it? Again?

At one point i was Iceman, i never showed any emotion what so ever, speaking in one tone of voice and always kept to myself. I think Iceman is coming back… Too many intense emotions have been creating a disturbance in my head, my heart…. I can barely sleep, no longer waking up to dreams of a better future, now to nightmares. I find that funny.. the last time i had nightmares was 5 years ago, when i left Miri to KL, and 5 years before that when my 3 best friends move away and i never saw them again since. Did i lose something dear to me? I really don’t know. Maybe i did, but didn’t realise? Perhaps.

All I can do now is wonder, and hope this is merely caused by lack of sleep and an overworked mind.

"Gehen Sie mit mir und Sie sind mein Bruder."

Walk with me, and you shall be my brother.

Does one take every opportunity they get to get ahead in life?

or do they stop and ponder on its existence?

The Thinker or The Opportunist

I have often fallen into situations I could barely get out of, most of the time when i don’t realize the potential danger of taking an action or making that decision. I think too much to also really realise how good an offer is and at times let good offers go to waste.

It’s a real issue with me.. I find it good to think about things, but i find it bad to let things slip by without trying. So i try.. i try in hopes that it will turn out the way its supposed to. Some do, some don’t.

I usually think far ahead compared to others, so far at times, that i get misunderstood. My intentions are misunderstood and because of it, i lose more than i could ever gain with their support. Most people who don’t understand me, tend to be hostile or better yet, pretencious around me most of the time, which i find disturbing.

But to some extent, I am an opportunist but not much of an aggressive one. I hate being offensive and I hate hurting people. People like me are bound to a certain law in life, and because of that, i’ll probably be forever poor. Lol

Speaking of opportunities… I got one yesterday evening. My college miss called me and left me a message on my voicemail. Well, you see, i missed a couple of classes and just started going back yesterday, so you can understand why i’d be nervous when my dean calls my cell.

She gave me a proposal…. a proposal that could complete my education and also end my fears of looking for a job. They want to hire me, as a Lecturer while paying me, and also pay for my fees for my degree.

I was speechless.. Did i make such a big impact with them during my 2 years of studies? It clearly was a once in a life time offer… even my brother thinks i should just jump into it.

But me? a Lecturer? My mom was a teacher yes… a good one too.. but me? I’m really not sure if could be up to the task when it came to teaching and im sure if i took the offer, i’d be bounded to KDU for quite some time… which means.. if i don’t like the profession, i’d be pretty depressed for the next couple of years lol… Although the offer hasn’t been finalized, i do hope they come back to me with the details..

Can someone grow to love a profession, like you can grow to love someone? I feel this devotion differs from one another yet almost exactly the same… The question is no longer a "Could you… ", its more of a  "Would you… " as i believe you can grow to love someone, no matter the differences between them.

We can do what we want most of the time but never really took it to ourselves to start off.

What ever we do in our lives is our choice, even if you think there isn’t any other option. There always is.. maybe it won’t be clearly visible, but there always is another option.

We are where we are, because we choose to be where we are, there isn’t anyone else to really blame for who we have become and to where we are going.

In my heart, i hope all goes well and that i can find what i’ve been looking for all my life.. happiness.

Brian.

"Should i stay and watch myself bleed or leave and forever regret my decision?"

Feelings…

All i feel is pain really. Hurt. The fact that I had the ability not to get myself into this mess made it far worse then it should be. Once again, i am on a one man journey to get myself back on my feet. I refuse aid for it will get me no where at this point.

To be caught between fact and fantasy, to be caught between my own doing and my feelings are painful. My body yearns for sleep, yet i awake to dreams i wish were real. A curse that would probably haunt me for a while.

For i have cared for too many, too much. Let go of everything… I’ve been in the waiting game since forever, and never was it appreciated… by anyone. A month, 2 years, 9 years.. how long more do i have to feel utter neglect before i actually feel what i need, what i want.. When will i be able to make the right choice to keep myself from falling again? I fall, every single time, into the same trap. I go into it in hopes that it wouldn’t be, it would change… And each time i fall.. only to pick myself up again… and fall into the same hole. The hole gets deeper each time, so do the wounds. I trust not my judgement nor my faith. I trust not my abilities to love. I trust not my abilities to master the art of deception.. the art that has been running through my veins for a long time.

The deception of selflessness… an illusion of ones wants to anothers need. The illusion which made me fall… time and time again.

The illusion of blind faith.

The illusion of my feelings for another.

The illusion of which i have lived by.

But in the end.. i cannot leave… for i value these people too much. Besides.. in every hurt i receive, there is also good that comes out of it… I just wish god and life would make it just a little easier for me.. just this once…

clar·i·ty  ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (klr-t)
n.

1. Clearness of thought or style; lucidity: writes with clarity and perception.

So what brings clarity to the mind? Is it thoroughly thinking through a situation? Taking time out to think about what to do next? Pondering and considering consequences and sequences that follow?

Do all these steps lead to clarity or do they just enhance the problem? The fact that people question themselves what they usually already know the answers to tells you that no one really maintains clarity of the mind. Self doubt has always been a large issue with me. People like me need constant reassuring as i am ready to make mistakes.

But really, these issues i’m having relates to thinking a little too much and too far into the situation. Too many what if’s and what should have been’s causes one to lose track of the current situation. I really believe that to have clear thoughts, you must have an unbiased opinion, a relatively good listener and a good advisor. A person who, to an extent, understands your position well enough to give good advice yet listens to your views and opinions. The reason why you sometimes need a mediator in these situations is because it is often that you may be too involved to make good judgement and make rash decisions. That person may not be correct, but at the very least he has something to tell you that might be worth listening to, something that could be the last piece in your puzzle of thought.

At times, to really clarify a problem, one needs to communicate. Communication plays a big role in rectifying and identifying problems and can solve a lot of issues. However, they are also the cause of most issues in the first place. I think people should try to understand the feelings of others when it comes to communicating with each other and understand the consequences of what they say and don’t say. I’m sure everyone has a certain tolerance to mindless and incompetent speech, so never think that just because he or she never got mad the first time you said something, he or she won’t be mad the next. People have their bad days, i mean don’t we all? Being transparent this side of the world could spill horror for you, really.

So do choice of words make things clearer? Does one’s vocabulary improves his or her thoughts?

Apologies and compliments for example, play a part in communicating but they dont really clarify anything besides the fact that you respect them in some way to give them any. But seriously, saying them too often can often make them meaningless and you might have to find some other internet site to copy your sentences from.(lol!)

To tell you the truth, i don’t think i’ve ever had any clear thoughts. My head is always filled with useless information and obsurd possibilities that, when time comes to make a decision, i have nothing to come up with. Such is the creativity of my mind.

I think my mind’s a little too bent to be saved. If you know what i mean

Every person has their strengths and weaknesses, and knowing them will usually aid their growth in life, to be better people.

But what if my weaknesses overpower my strengths?

I’ve been spending time with a couple of people a lot lately and i find that they are exceptional. No words can describe their ability , not only to handle themselves, but to perform.

At times, i feel outperformed by these people, and it makes me wonder what the im really good at.

When i start to wonder, i find that i don’t really know much about anything, nor do i excel in anything i do. I’m good at things that everyone is capable of, which to me is, nothing.

The funny part is, i’ve been in so many repeated situations, yet I snap everytime. This brings me to wonder how competent or incompetent I am. Whatever happened to the mindless optimist i used to be?

I think it’s gone…

I feel like jumping off a cliff now. With a bungee cord attached ofcourse.. and hope i bump my head and lose my memory.

I hate thinking too much. It hurts.

Am i lost?

I feel so. The fact that i can still guide others when i feel this way suprises me. Yet, it also makes me doubt my judgement. Am i even fit to give advice in my current state? is it right to even give any in my current situation? I’ve been lost ever since i started thinking of what will happen after graduation, and now, i’m not even sure i have the strength to even do that.

Problems have been coming and going, but they never were really my problems to begin with. But now, i have one. A problem in which only i can overcome. It’s silly that i contradict and doubt myself most of the time. It is clear that i have some things i need dealt with before moving forward, but i’ve lost all my strength now.. I can’t even sleep right. I awake to dreams that i wish were real.

A lot of people tell me that i get caught up in things easily and get too emotionally attached to it. But without passion, how would I be helping myself let alone helping someone else? Do i change to start thinking of myself? Be selfish a little, every once in a while? Perhaps i should, but i can’t.

I have never been one to think about myself, unless there isn’t anyone left around me. Maybe i should have got comfortable with being alone, at the very least i won’t have problems like this to deal with. Yet, as i try to detach myself from the world outside, there are some who’d tell me to stay. It is unfortunate however, that their presence seldom stays long enough for me to feel any real comfort.

Would it be true, when i say that "If you care for everyone too much, no one will end up caring for you"?

Should i stay and watch myself bleed or leave in hopes to gain understanding. They will both hurt me, but at some point, i would have to make that decision.

At the latest. Tomorrow.

Please, shoot me.