Feelings
"Should i stay and watch myself bleed or leave and forever regret my decision?"
Feelings…
All i feel is pain really. Hurt. The fact that I had the ability not to get myself into this mess made it far worse then it should be. Once again, i am on a one man journey to get myself back on my feet. I refuse aid for it will get me no where at this point.
To be caught between fact and fantasy, to be caught between my own doing and my feelings are painful. My body yearns for sleep, yet i awake to dreams i wish were real. A curse that would probably haunt me for a while.
For i have cared for too many, too much. Let go of everything… I’ve been in the waiting game since forever, and never was it appreciated… by anyone. A month, 2 years, 9 years.. how long more do i have to feel utter neglect before i actually feel what i need, what i want.. When will i be able to make the right choice to keep myself from falling again? I fall, every single time, into the same trap. I go into it in hopes that it wouldn’t be, it would change… And each time i fall.. only to pick myself up again… and fall into the same hole. The hole gets deeper each time, so do the wounds. I trust not my judgement nor my faith. I trust not my abilities to love. I trust not my abilities to master the art of deception.. the art that has been running through my veins for a long time.
The deception of selflessness… an illusion of ones wants to anothers need. The illusion which made me fall… time and time again.
The illusion of blind faith.
The illusion of my feelings for another.
The illusion of which i have lived by.
But in the end.. i cannot leave… for i value these people too much. Besides.. in every hurt i receive, there is also good that comes out of it… I just wish god and life would make it just a little easier for me.. just this once…
