Live True, Love True

clar·i·ty  ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (klr-t)
n.

1. Clearness of thought or style; lucidity: writes with clarity and perception.

So what brings clarity to the mind? Is it thoroughly thinking through a situation? Taking time out to think about what to do next? Pondering and considering consequences and sequences that follow?

Do all these steps lead to clarity or do they just enhance the problem? The fact that people question themselves what they usually already know the answers to tells you that no one really maintains clarity of the mind. Self doubt has always been a large issue with me. People like me need constant reassuring as i am ready to make mistakes.

But really, these issues i’m having relates to thinking a little too much and too far into the situation. Too many what if’s and what should have been’s causes one to lose track of the current situation. I really believe that to have clear thoughts, you must have an unbiased opinion, a relatively good listener and a good advisor. A person who, to an extent, understands your position well enough to give good advice yet listens to your views and opinions. The reason why you sometimes need a mediator in these situations is because it is often that you may be too involved to make good judgement and make rash decisions. That person may not be correct, but at the very least he has something to tell you that might be worth listening to, something that could be the last piece in your puzzle of thought.

At times, to really clarify a problem, one needs to communicate. Communication plays a big role in rectifying and identifying problems and can solve a lot of issues. However, they are also the cause of most issues in the first place. I think people should try to understand the feelings of others when it comes to communicating with each other and understand the consequences of what they say and don’t say. I’m sure everyone has a certain tolerance to mindless and incompetent speech, so never think that just because he or she never got mad the first time you said something, he or she won’t be mad the next. People have their bad days, i mean don’t we all? Being transparent this side of the world could spill horror for you, really.

So do choice of words make things clearer? Does one’s vocabulary improves his or her thoughts?

Apologies and compliments for example, play a part in communicating but they dont really clarify anything besides the fact that you respect them in some way to give them any. But seriously, saying them too often can often make them meaningless and you might have to find some other internet site to copy your sentences from.(lol!)

To tell you the truth, i don’t think i’ve ever had any clear thoughts. My head is always filled with useless information and obsurd possibilities that, when time comes to make a decision, i have nothing to come up with. Such is the creativity of my mind.

I think my mind’s a little too bent to be saved. If you know what i mean

Every person has their strengths and weaknesses, and knowing them will usually aid their growth in life, to be better people.

But what if my weaknesses overpower my strengths?

I’ve been spending time with a couple of people a lot lately and i find that they are exceptional. No words can describe their ability , not only to handle themselves, but to perform.

At times, i feel outperformed by these people, and it makes me wonder what the im really good at.

When i start to wonder, i find that i don’t really know much about anything, nor do i excel in anything i do. I’m good at things that everyone is capable of, which to me is, nothing.

The funny part is, i’ve been in so many repeated situations, yet I snap everytime. This brings me to wonder how competent or incompetent I am. Whatever happened to the mindless optimist i used to be?

I think it’s gone…

I feel like jumping off a cliff now. With a bungee cord attached ofcourse.. and hope i bump my head and lose my memory.

I hate thinking too much. It hurts.

Am i lost?

I feel so. The fact that i can still guide others when i feel this way suprises me. Yet, it also makes me doubt my judgement. Am i even fit to give advice in my current state? is it right to even give any in my current situation? I’ve been lost ever since i started thinking of what will happen after graduation, and now, i’m not even sure i have the strength to even do that.

Problems have been coming and going, but they never were really my problems to begin with. But now, i have one. A problem in which only i can overcome. It’s silly that i contradict and doubt myself most of the time. It is clear that i have some things i need dealt with before moving forward, but i’ve lost all my strength now.. I can’t even sleep right. I awake to dreams that i wish were real.

A lot of people tell me that i get caught up in things easily and get too emotionally attached to it. But without passion, how would I be helping myself let alone helping someone else? Do i change to start thinking of myself? Be selfish a little, every once in a while? Perhaps i should, but i can’t.

I have never been one to think about myself, unless there isn’t anyone left around me. Maybe i should have got comfortable with being alone, at the very least i won’t have problems like this to deal with. Yet, as i try to detach myself from the world outside, there are some who’d tell me to stay. It is unfortunate however, that their presence seldom stays long enough for me to feel any real comfort.

Would it be true, when i say that "If you care for everyone too much, no one will end up caring for you"?

Should i stay and watch myself bleed or leave in hopes to gain understanding. They will both hurt me, but at some point, i would have to make that decision.

At the latest. Tomorrow.

Please, shoot me.

If you had a choice, a choice to determine the type of love you’d have for something or someone, would you rather be "close to what you hopefully can achieve" or "far away from what has already been achieved"

Would you rather be tormented by that love being doors away but near impossible to achieve or be far away, yet have the love that keeps you together?

"So close yet so far"

Both are somewhat a torment, like a taunt, a curse. But one is always better than the other, it really depends on how you see it. A feeling that reels you in real close yet not close enough to hold. So close that you can almost feel it, yet you’re hanging, struggling to try to get to what you want. It’s like wanting something in a glass case, but all you can do is look into it. To me, this is the worse feeling ever. Should i stay around it, or should i wait till it opens up? Those are the usual questions. Would you wait, even if it tells you not to? Every thing achievable is worth something in the end.

The other is somewhat more common i believe, where that love has already been achieved, its close but its physical distance is beyond reach. The love for it would always make possible for one to traverse to the other, but usually only for short periods of time. The torment here is that you dont get to see each other much, but when you do, it usually works out.

I’ve felt them both numerous times over the years, and to me, the torment can kill yet, the choice is always yours to take, and the burden, yours to bear.

Has it been worth it?

Ofcourse it has.

Do they ever tell you to wait? Ever?

No, never once but i do anyways.

Why?

Because I feel, every second with them is worth a million in return. But every second away feels like a million years. To be close to something that you hope to achieve may be hurtful and tormenting, but i guess there can be no true love till you somehow feel the pain when they are not around.

True? Maybe.

Emotions are a powerful thing. So powerful that it can allow one to overcome the toughest barriers in life, or destroy anything in its path. Emotions if left uncontrolled will control you and its effects may have a permanent effect on you and those who so happened were in the way.

The ugliest and the most beautiful things can happen through emotions, Love, Hate, Sorrow, Happiness, and many others.

All these emotions are meant to be felt. Without one, you can never feel the other. In certain situations, these emotions become so strong that you’d do things you’d regret.

The way you control it can determine how it would end up affecting you and the people around you. So, if you have anger, always try to calm yourself down, control it, but talk about it to someone. Expression is the best way to reach another being, and may soothe what ever you feel or relay it in a manner that is acceptable to another. This is the way it should be, never take up arms unnecessarily. Make love not war.. such peace is always a possibility.

Empathy.

The faith in People

This year that has been dark since the beginnning.

I’m usually a person who gets worse before getting better, but that doesnt mean i feel comfortable with it. There are things i wish never happened since i moved here, and i really wished everyone would come clean about their feelings.

But, knowing the world of twisted tales and lies, the truth is either too far hidden or lost within the multitude of vines created by unwary and irresponsible people.

Who is to blame? Who knows?

Was the truth ever meant to be found? Who knows?

I was reeled into a conflict. Nothing new to me, since i was in one before this. The main difference is, in the past, i chose to intervene due to the situation, but this time i was practically forced and reeled, like a fish. (water fish! water fish!)

When one seeks vengeance

The other seeks protection. A wall is formed creating a barrier, unbreakable by words. So what does one do? Someone had to break it down or climb over it. I climbed the wall, back a forth trying to fix things, the effects being diversed. Words that were not meant to be said were said, and words that were meant to be said were left unspoken.

As the wall continued to stand, vines crept upon it and it became harder and harder to climb. It was not only harder to climb, it was also harder to find a good spot to land. Assumptions were made, some were accurate, some were not.

At times, i’d hit the correct spot, at times i would hit a vine so hard, i slip and fall. This created a chain of events that led from one thing to another, end brought the tension between the two to great heights. Picking myself up was never an easy task, but i always could. With some help, i got up again. My work continued. I couldn’t help feeling like a messenger, moving back and forth and relaying messeges.

With time, the vines grew so much, that it practically covered the wall. The conflict stood stagnant for a while, as if everyone was beginning to see it was not worth it. I was wrong. Another assumption that i wish i didnt make. Some  decided to start a fire, thinking it would stop the vine from growing. Their disrespect for the situation made matters worse. As the flames grew, the vines caught fire, and soon, both sides were up in flames. The conflict started all over again.

The wall was beginning to crumble, but with a fire so huge, the wall was the only thing that protected both sides. Many came out to try and put it out, but the more people who tried, the more the fire grew and more people were caught in the flames. A bucket of water wasn’t going to put out this fire. A fireman would know that the only way to put out a fire this huge, is to start another, and they will drain each other out, and split. But then, this was no normal flame. This was the flame of vengeance.

As the fire continued, the wall continued to crumble. I attempted to put out the flames, requesting aid from both sides of the wall. I had made a guess that if i could reach someone, it would be easier to contain these flames. I started with someone empathic, a person who’d love to see everyone around her happy. As i was doing so, i realised how similar this situation was to the ones before, but the consequences were different, the wall could crumble at any time, and with that all hell would have broken loose. The flames needed to be put out and fast, and the only way to do so was to inform them how dire the situation is.

But like i said.. things get worse with me before they get better. The wall continued to crumble. I had to stop this for the greater good. I couldn’t breathe.

As the flames were finally starting to subside, i made a pact. A pact of  non-aggression. A pact that would ensure the physical safety of both sides.

The flames subsided, but not without damage. The damage has been done, and they were different on both sides. Related, but different.

I now realise that the only way for this to eventually work out is to keep that wall up, and make them both walk away…

They have to continue to live their lives, separately. Such is the will of the flame.

"There is no innocense. Only degrees of guilt. It will live with us, and will die with us. If let be, it will devour us."

"I care not for your past, for I am here to care and just to care. You may have done wrong, but haven’t we all. Each life is precious and each second can be a turning point in life."

brian.

About time.

Seriously.

There will always be a time in the year where i start to ponder, think of things before, the past. In days or weeks i get over it. Fast and simple.

How i wonder? No point wondering, it comes and goes. Keeps me on my toes none the less. At least i can stop talking to myself, people think are starting to think im insane, but really, that came from phycological training back when i was still in the team.

Perhaps i was meant to spend time to reflect on things, thats who i am. One can’t really know the greatest things in life until he’s seen the worst. So i guess i’ve been to rock bottom with everything lately, and it’s a good experience in the long run.

Life goes on.

Again…

Seriously.

Mania - an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action

It’s been a while hasn’t it.

It’s been a while since i’ve actually had any real problems. But the problems i face now, are not ones that can be seen or heard. It’s a battle between mind and heart, a battle that created the confusion, the same confusion that created the void i currently have in my heart.

This void, ever so growing and is filling up.

Filling up with regret,

Regret of Ill performance,

Regret of self imcompetence,

Regret of mislead actions,

Regret of actions taken,

and Regret of choices made,

Just, Regret.

Why are thoughts of these coming through my mind now, is certainly beyond me. I never used to regret, never looking back, always moving forward.

"As god gave us a mind to think of a better future,

he also gave us memory, to never forget the past."

Now, that memory he gave me is pulling me back, tugging on me like a child. Why? Why now? Do i have that much of unfinished business? To think that i solved every problem.

Why, of all times, does it appear now? A year after all this happened?

Did i not make the right choice for the both of us, or did i finally start thinking about myself now?

And why do these feelings feel so familiar? It feels as if its happening all over again… just different situations with different consequences.

As days go by, i come closer to the day that i most possibly made the biggest mistake of my 21 year life, the day i let someone so special slip by me. Misunderstandings, mislead me and it was over. So many things i should have said, so many things i should have done. I can’t do them now, no, i had my chance. Blew it.

"And god also gave us life,

A time that passes that would heal, that could help one recover and learn from mistakes,

And he gave us death,

A time to fear yet value the life he gave."

It looks like i have to live with these issues for a long time, but at the very least, i try to heal whos feelings i hurt, to everyone i hurt. Sorry to those i’ve hurt, partically my ex, Joy. Conscience is a pain, but it makes me who I am.

Creates a lil’ Balance.

Thats a load of my chest. Like i said, i’d probably spend more time in life apologizing and making up for my mistakes then particularly enjoying it, but heck you have to do it some time, and the best time to do it, is when you still have the ability to.

Good Luck and Take care.

Always.

Ho Ho Ho!

Well, well… look who’s here. It’s december, the month where everyone in the world finds a day to celebrate. If it isn’t someone’s birthday, it’s a wedding, if it isn’t a wedding, it’s christmas, if it isn’t christmas, there’s always new years, and very likely you’d get your bonus and forced leaves, and make your own celebration… hah! XD

Regardless of race, religion or background, there’s something for everyone this month, eh?

Anyway, it’s been busy and a sickly past month for me, from rushing 4 assignments, sleeping 1 hour everyday, getting sick because of it, and not recovering for 3 weeks, and on the last week, i sit for my finals this sem, which isn’t… or rather, wasn’t a pleasant experience. Had a dengue scare, thought i had it, then the doctor Jabbed my ass because of it. But then, the results came 4 days later and it said "You don’t have dengue, Fool!" haha

I’ve been looking forward for a break, but when it finally came, i get lost. I have NO idea what to do. Being the end of the year, travelling is out of the question, overpriced travel fares and overpacked flight are not things i look forward to. The worst is, my birthday is in a couple of days, and i haven’t figured out what i want.

But then, i decided not to have a big bash, instead, spend it with my family. Yeah, i’m 21 this year, but does it really matter? People say you’re 21 only once, but then again, im 22 only once too, and 23, and 24 and 25.. and NO… i didn’t wait 21 years to wear a diamond key on my neck either, so there.

Besides… i’ve had a party almost every year now, so why not just have a quiet dinner with my family. Something different

i DO have a wishlist however, and one of them is a new Handphone.. i oh so want one haha.. MotoRAZR XD.. i’m a fan of flip and slim phones XD.. ultimately, i think i’ll just buy one myself when i start working… its a bit expensive for a birthday prezzie :-P.

I could use a digital camera too, since i love taking pictures of scenery and people… hehe XD

Oh, and why not my own personal Desktop PC or Laptop.. that’ll be cool haha.. been wanting my own laptop for ages, so i can do my work anywhere i can…

Okay.. i just noticed my wishlist isn’t getting cheaper or smaller.. so i’m gonna stop before it turns into a spaceship hehe.

You see, ultimately, the smallest thing would make me happy, and that wish may or may not come true. A simple wish, so small, you’d probably never would have known that it was on top of the list. My wish is that a certain someone, who is extremely dear to me, genuinely remembers my birthday, calls, and says "Happy Birthday, Brian!". Yes. That’s all. That would just make my day…. week even. Even better if i get to see her, but dreams stay dreams. Doesn’t cost a thing… well, maybe a dollar for the call, but heck… what’s a dollar when you can cheer someone up eh?

Who needs a phone, if there’s no one to call. Who needs a camera, if there isn’t anyone to show the pictures to, who needs a computer when …. hrm, wait… everyone needs a computer >:D~… so, forget the last sentence, you get the picture.

I’m not such a materialistic person, in fact, i’m far from one….

It’s been a while since i last wrote anything here, so i figured it’s about time! XD

Well, this is it, though… hehe… too bad

cheers and have fun this month eh?

BLIMEY!
Brian.

It’s 5:34am and i can’t sleep.

Oh, i so hate days when i have nothing to do.. (basicly everyday in this context)

Boredom makes my mind wander, to places i’d rather not be. I’m tired of this, this cycle of emptiness. Like a ring, goes round and comes back, same thing all over again, hollow and empty in the middle.

The feelings i have now aren’t new to me, in fact, i’ve faced it in every relationship i’ve tried or been in. It’s always one sided in the beginning, and when i decide to give up, the other decides to give in, i can’t name one that hasn’t been this way. Does it have to be that way? Apparently, in my relationships, yes.

I’ve waited weeks for one, months for another, and years for the most recent, and they all show the same signs. Does one get sick of this? What kind of dumb question is that? Ofcourse they would. Who asked me to wait? Obviously, myself. Who would have thought my efforts, care, and support would go… absolutely no where at that particular moment?

I hate feeling played, even if they don’t do so intentionally. Is it because they think i’d treat them differently if they said they didn’t feel the same for me as i do for them? I won’t treat you any different if you said it up front, as a matter a fact, i’d respect that. I guess i know them better than they know me.

Sigh.

One thing that usually holds me back from telling my feelings is losing a friend in the process. I have feelings for few others, but have never told them. At the end of the day, i’d rather not lose a good friend just because i think i can take it a little further, as i’ve experienced before and experiencing now.

How cautious can one be with this? Is it better to just court someone i don’t know? Maybe. But, that wouldn’t be very much like me, would it…

Yet another sigh.

"How’re you man?" they ask.

"I’m good, could be better."

"Where’s your girl man?" they ask.

"What girl? I don’t have one."

"What? I thought you had one?" They ask again.

"It’s complicated."

Complicated, I’m sure. I know where the complications are coming from. Me, getting caught in relationships i cannot win, way too often.

There’s bound to be something wrong with what i do, or is it the people i choose to be with? ….

One last sigh…

She’s treating me the way she was treated by a guy she liked… so i’m gonna lay off this thing till she gets that in her head. Ironic isn’t it, i treat her like an angel and keep her happy, then she treats me the way she doesn’t want to be treated… funny… she wasn’t like that before….

Note to self - "Oui, snap out of it you scum-sucking-yellow-bellied-ass-humping-poop-eating-maggot-feeding-cow-milking-sock-smelling-bean-jumping(eh…Bean Jumping?)-retarded-looking faggit! You got class in 7 hours, go to freaking sleep!"